Thursday, March 10, 2011

Troubled.

I am not sure what to do.
I look back at the last two and half months and I notice a collection of things... some very positive and some very negative.

On the one hand I notice that I have a collection of 9 songs, a new band, and new relationship with song writing and I notice that my life is once again filled with music... awesome.

On the other hand, I notice, that I am constantly in a state of anxiety and overwhelm, that I am having trouble sleeping, that I am rushing through everything else in my life so as to make time for the weekly song, that I am having trouble being present with my loved ones, that I have no time for other sources of joy and health such as working out and meditation, that I feel like an overworked, under nourished, absentee husband. On top of it all, there is no time to work on any other musical projects, or develop a song/set to perform.

I could not sleep tonight because I realized that these last few months have passed more quickly than any months before them... they have evaporated. This thought then connected with a concept that has been raised in so many conversations recently that as you get older the days, months, and years pass more and more quickly until your children are parents and you are trying to rediscover the joy of slowing down. Now this got me thinking that although there are many variances from person to person as they age one element that seems somewhat common is that we all get busier. We enter post secondary education and get bombarded with books and exams, and then when we graduate and settle into a career and work our asses off 5 days a week and think and worry about the ins and outs of the career for the other two days, and then a baby comes along and what’s left of the wisps of free-time is reduced down to nothing at all, this is not to say that the time spent during these experiences is not time well spent, I am simply commenting on the experience of the speed in which time passes. And as all of these events pile upon one another time seems to move more quickly. This was of course a “broad-stroke” portrayal of life, however, regardless of how one chooses to live their life, if they adopt our cultures broken-record industrial revolution message of "be productive, be busy, be important" then chances are, in one way or another, we are all getting busier and busier.... and along with this busyness, years are passing more and more quickly. And what are we racing towards? A cold, hard, stop. Or even if there is an after-life or reincarnation, what in our busy days applies to these two scenarios? Really.

It seems to me that filling each moment of everyday is a sure fire way to reach death sooner. It is the act of being present and having time to notice the subtleties of an experience that brings the flavour of length to a day. It seems that our culture has forgotten this, or perhaps I am just completely wrong.

I have been thinking on death recently. I seem unable to be unfearful of it. I do not blame myself for this lack of courage, I have been built with a biological imperative to try by whatever means necessary to survive and yet I must face the fact that the only inevitability in this life is that I will not survive. It seems like some sick joke that we should be part of such a paradox... welcome to the world, there are two basic rules: 1. You must survive 2. You will not

With such a heavy paradox I too can empathize with the need to stay busy. I have certainly had little time to consider the death dilemma during the last 2.5 months and in a way it has been a much more comfortable path though the path is more of an airport conveyor belt that hurries you in the direction of your departure. But in the end we will all consider the death dilemma. We usually see it pop its ugly head up every once and awhile and shake it off and quickly refocus on the task at hand. But as we step closer and closer to the end of our lives it pops its head up more often which only accelerates the rate at which we throw ourselves into our distractions.

This is a rant. I am ranting because I have become aware of the fact that I am single handedly accelerating my life by filling each moment with a task... I am sprinting towards my own death. Can one be fully present to each moment while being chaotically busy? Probably. Can I? Probably. Am I? No. Are you?

This music project has given me so much but tonight it has scared the shit out of me because it has become a conveyor belt beneath my feet. I am completely unsure what to do. I do not want to stop making music and I do not want to cut off the pressure that has been applied to my creativity by giving myself a deadline. Perhaps I need to turn this into a Song-every-two-weeks project... the simple act of writing that is hard. I do not want to reneg on my commitment, especially if this is just a roadblock to some breakthrough that awaits. And hell if I remove some music making time I will probably just fill it up with another commitment and be in the same boat I am in now but with something less joyful than music. Damn.

Not sure what to do.

Anyways. I feel that writing this has brought me some peace and that perhaps that peace might stretch itself into a very short session of sleep.

Love you all. I wish all a moment of space between the tasks.

3 comments:

  1. Wow. I love your honesty. I don't the answer for you my love. I trust that you will know what you need... I echo your fear that removing one thing only creates space for something else to later fill the space. Is there anything we (your community) could do to contribute to your peace? Much love while you discover and create your next steps.

    Your wife

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  2. Dear Jordan,
    I understand. I think that life is constantly evolving and changing. We are organic, living beings. You are not a machine. So what if you made a committment to pump out songs? You now know exactly what kind of time and energy is involved. You need to schedule your time for music, but be flexible with yourself. Set new goals. You're goals and dreams are organic and growing - just as you are as a person. There is no right or wrong way out of this - only a direction to grow in.

    "I had to tell her about time's secret, how to hold on to a moment and keep it. I had to tell her that if she was acceptance - we could name our first child freedom."

    Love to you and your beautiful wife :)
    Camara

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  3. Thank you Michelle and Camara for your words and support. Its so sweet of you to take the time to respond to my rantings! I've got a new plan for next week's song and I'm looking forward to experimenting with new methods and mindstates. Lets see what happens! LOVE. LOVE. LOVE.

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